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I‘m going to share a little secret with you, and I promise you will NEVER look at a Republican again without thinking about it:

ALL REPUBLICANS ARE DRAMA-QUEENS!

Big honking, melodramatic Chicken Little drama queens. Every thing’s a National Emergency/Tragedy. There are no SMALL problems when it comes to todays’ GOP (unless it is a *real* problem like Global Warming). Every triviality is a tragedy on an epic scale.

Some background: I live in Texas, so I am required by law to have at least two Conservative friends (I have three). One believes WMD’s were found in Iraq and Saddam may have been involved with 9/11, one still thinks Democrats want to give all his money away to illegal immigrants and drug users on welfare, while another is preparing to move to New Zealand the moment George Bush takes military action against Iran sometime in the very near future. My father is a dyed-in-the-wool Ditto-head Fox Newz watching Conservative, and I was raised believing “Democrat” was a dirty word. I myself was raised Republican and supported Republican candidates.

Then I turned 12.

Ronald Reagan nearly spent the country into bankruptcy to save us from the very nuclear annihilation he came dangerously close to triggering. He helped arm, fund and train Saddam Hussein in his war against Iran, only to have Saddam use those arms and training against our “friends”, the Kuwati’s just two short years after his departure. And suddenly, we had to go into Kuwait to stop the “tyrant” and “brutal dictator” that we called “friend” for nearly a decade.

When Gov. George W. Bush ran for President of the United States in 2000, he told conventioneers that our military was stretched so thin that “two entire divisions would have to report ‘Not read for duty!’.” Gas prices at $1.50 a gallon were becoming a hardship for American families. “Social Security” was on the verge of “collapse” and the continuing decline of “morality” in our nation was threatening our children’s future. In Bush World, the United States was at deaths door following the Presidency of Bill Clinton. Then George Bush was appointed President and the country’s most pressing issue became “2001: Summer of the Shark Attack” while he cleared brush on his horse-free “ranch” in Crawford, Texas.

Then came 9/11.

Caught totally unprepared like Dan Quayle in a National Spelling Bee, George Bush has spent his presidency trying to make up for his failure to prevent the murder of 3,000 American citizens a mere eight months into his first term. (This is what we call “locking the barn after the horse got out”.) He didn’t see the catastrophe coming that some had warned him of, and since then makes up for it by quashing over-hyped “made up” threats in order to create the appearance of “protector of America”… the job he failed at so miserably on the morning of 9/11.

Because of this, the “threat” Saddam Hussein posed to the United States was ratcheted up to “end-of-life-as-we-know-it” proportions. Talk of “mushroom clouds” and “unmanned aerial vehicles spraying nerve gas” over every major city in the country became a constant theme in just about every speech members of the Bush Administration gave in the months between 9/11/2001 and March 2003. A color-coded “Terror Alert” was created to tweak the nation’s anxiety whenever they needed a compliant Congress to pass another piece of “right-infringing” legislation because they found working “within the rules” was too restrictive. Getting the job done is so much quicker and easier when you don’t have to worry about whether or not you’re violating someone’s Constitutional Rights.

So we invaded Iraq. And a month later, even with troops still fighting on the ground in Iraq, Saddam nowhere to be found, and no functioning government in Iraq to take its place, President Bush dresses up like a fighter jock and has himself flown out to a returning aircraft carrier to declare VICTORY before hundreds of adoring soldiers and fawning reporters like he had just defeated Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo single-handedly in a bare-knuckle grudge match on pay-per-view.

Just think of any issue that has riled up the Republican Party. Anything. As mentioned above, “Social Security” is on Death’s Door if we don’t enact DRASTIC reforms today… despite the fact that Social Security is probably solvent till the middle of this century. Meanwhile, MediCare… which arguably truly IS in crisis… is never mentioned. “Gay Marriage” is not just something they disapprove of, we actually need “a Constitutional Amendment” banning it before it destroys America. Ditto for “Flag Burning”… an offense of which there was a whopping THREE incidents of in 2005. More recently, MoveOn’s “Patraeus/Betray Us” newspaper ad drew the wrath of the Republican Party. One need only search YouTube for all the videos condemning MoveOn for daring to suggest that many Americans feared being “betrayed” by Bush’s Commander in Iraq. The nerve!

Dan Rather was back in the news recently for filing a $70 Million dollar lawsuit against his former employer, CBS News, over their treatment of both him and his story of a young George W. Bush receiving “preferential treatment” when assigned to the Texas Air National Guard during Vietnam. Does anyone deny this basic fact as untrue? The story was verified by witnesses, but the documents used in the allegation were not, setting off a firestorm to discredit Rather prior to the 2004 election. You’d think Rather performed the ritual sacrifice of a bag of kittens on live TV the way the GOP squealed over the “treasonous” 60 Minutes-II story. But when the Bush Campaign dug up “the Swiftboat Vets” from Richard Nixon’s old closet of dirty tricks, that was just “politics”.

Iran… and specifically its president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad… is the latest “Boogie Man” the Bush White House is over-hyping as a threat worthy of starting a THIRD war in the Middle East before the first two are finished. Unfortunately for them, we’ve heard it all before and this time, no one’s buying… no one that doesn’t have an (R) after their name at least. You’d think Columbia University invited Adolph Hitler himself to speak when they invited the Iranian President for a very public Q&A with students last week. Republican Presidential candidate Duncan Hunter (R-CA) threatened to pull Columbia’s federal funding if they followed through with the invitation. The State legislature of New York likewise threatened to withhold public funds from Columbia if they allowed him to speak. Ahmadinejad was allowed to speak at Columbia, but not before first being lectured to about his country’s belligerence towards Israel, violations of human rights and denial of equality for women.

When a 2006 movie with cute cuddly cartoon penguins (“Happy Feet”) dare suggest “global warming” as a threat to their existence, out came the outraged GOP global warming deniers accusing Disney of sneaking “environmentalist propaganda” into a children’s film… a move worthy of Joseph Goebbels himself. But a REAL emergency like Global Warming “still needs more study”.

And I think that if you look, you’ll find this is typically (always?) the case: tiny things are hyped to “catastrophic proportions”… Saddam, Social Security, MoveOn’s “Betray Us” ad, and now Iran… whereas genuine problems: al Qaeda, MediCare solvency, Global Warming, etc… continue unabated; greater threats today than they were when they took office.

I’m certain I’m leaving plenty of great examples out, but I think the point has been made. And the next time you hear Republicans in an uproar over something, I guarantee it’ll be over an issue that isn’t worthy of all the hype the media gives it. You’ll think the world is coming to an end the way they’ll rant & rave over something a Democrat said about someone or something, or whether or not a report in that days news exposing another Republican pervert/crime/scandal is true, followed by weeks of “damage control” denouncing the messenger.

I GUARANTEE you, the next time you hear Bill O’Reilly bemoaning the “War on Christmas”, Ann Coulter accusing “Liberals” of “Treason”, or any Republican feigning “outrage” over some non-issue like it could lead to the end of the United States as we know it, just remember two little words:

Drama Queen.

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