GOP debates are just ads for ObamaI tried to watch the Saturday night GOP debate on “Foreign Policy”. I really did. I watched the Wednesday night debate on the economy, as well as Perry’s now infamous brain-freeze, but asking me to sit through another pointless mind-numbing exercise in futility just three days later was asking too much. I started to watch, but just a few minutes in, it quickly became apparent that I could already predict what they were going to say before they even said it: Obama… the man who is bringing the Iraq War to an end, got bin Laden and a half-dozen other high-profile baddies… would be pronounced “a failure” that was “endangering our national security”. Oh, and while we’re at it: “Bomb Iran into the stoneage.” Even isolationist Ron Paul argued in favor of “going in, taking out their nuclear weapons facilities, and coming home.” No repercussions from THAT, eh, Paul? We can just go in, bomb another country, and the next day go back to life as usual. Of course, finding those facilities might be too difficult, so Newt Gingrich advocated we just “take out” their nuclear scientists (presumably with the same Seal Team that took out bin Laden.) But I don’t think even I could of predicted Michele Bachmann waxing nostalgic for the Totalitarian governance of Communist China, calling for an end to all Social Safety Nets to arise out of LBJ’s “Great Society”… most notably Medicare… calling them “a complete failure” (are you listening Tea Partiers who said, “Keep your government hands off my Medicare”?)

Anyone that takes these people seriously as being suited to be our next president, just isn’t playing with a full deck. And if they’re not going to take this seriously, why should I?

I love trivia. Some say I’m “a fount of useless information”. Something I learned years ago was that the percentage of U.S. Presidents who were Left Handed in this century is WAY above the percentage of people who are Left handed amongst the general population. In fact, six of the last 13 presidents (not including Reagan, who was supposedly ambidextrous)… or 46%… were Southpaws. Most studies find that roughly 12% of the world’s population is left handed. Only anecdotally can we surmise that lefties are better at figuring out how to fit in with society as an outsider in a way that makes them better suited to be a politician. In fact, three of the last four presidents were Left-handers. I’ll let you guess who the one lone outlier was.

Another factoid: The last U.S. President with facial hair was William Howard Taft (1909-1913), almost one hundred years ago. And… of course… we have never had a woman president.

Armed with these simple statistics, we already know the outcome of the 2012 election:

Mitt Romney is right-handed:
Mitt is right-handed

Newt Gingrich is right-handed:
Newt is right handed

Herman Cain is a lefty (only context THAT sentence has ever been uttered), but has facial hair:
Cain is left handed, but has a mustache

Ron Paul is right handed:
Paul is right handed

Once we move into the single digits, it becomes impossible to find pictures of the candidates with a pen in their hand to prove which they use.

Despite having (supposedly) written a book, I couldn’t find a picture of Rick Perry with a pen in his hand. That should tell you something.
Perry appears to be right handed

Ditto for Michele Bachmann (who, also bears the triple obstacles of there having never been a female president, coupled with there having never having been a female GOP candidate with a serious shot at winning the nomination. And Bachmann herself noted that only one member of the House has ever gone on to win the presidency:
Bachmann is right handed

As well as Rick Santorum:
Santorum is right handed.

Likewise, Jon Huntsman fails to distinguish himself from the others even here:
Huntsman is right handed

So who’s the only candidate in the race that’s both Left Handed AND does not have facial hair? I give you, The Winner of the 2012 Presidential Election:

Barack Obama
Obama will win reelection.


And that’s about as scientific and fact-based an assessment of the 2012 Race than you’ll find in any GOP Debate.

Sign my petition for GREEN JOBS TOMORROW fast & cheap. Use those $4 Billion in oil subsidies to put Solar Panels on the roofs of 40,000 government buildings, or order 100,000 hybrid mail-trucks. Not only would this INSTANTLY CREATE JOBS, it would spark ENTIRE INDUSTRIES with a future, reduce our dependency on oil, reduce greenhouse emissions, and quickly pay for itself (and cut future expenses) with the energy savings. We need 5,000 signatures by December 20th.

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