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You know the old saying:

“Insanity – Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time.”

When I was a kid, around 14, one of my neighbors had to rush their 3 year old son to the hospital after he drank a half bottle of liquid ammonia. To this day, I still wonder what he was thinking. I mean, if you can’t already tell from the noxious smell, one sip should be enough to tell anyone: “Not Food!” The only rationalization I’ve been able to come up with for downing half a bottle of liquid ammonia is the absurd childlike belief that if you just keep going, eventually it’ll get better. So the child continues to drink, believing that eventually the fluid will turn into soda pop.

Lately, Conservative stupidity seems to be reaching the same level of childish stupidity as their fragile reality crumbles around them. A few cases in point:

1. “Frosty vs. Global Warming”: No, the jolly Christmas snowman isn’t taking on Al Gore, but as Comedy Central showed us, one Seattle father, “Frosty Hardison”, protested when his daughters’ school wanted to show the former VP’s documentary on Global Warming, calling it “Stalinist Propaganda”. Comedy Central then produced their own anti-“Inconvenient Truth” presentation called “The Infallible Truth” based upon Frosty’s assertions that “debunk” the Academy Award Winning film. Naturally, it doesn’t take them long to uncover that Frosty derives his contempt for the Earth from his Evangelical ideology. I recommend simply watching the clip for all the stupid details.

One of Frosty’s first arguments against Global Warming caught my attention because upon first hearing it, it almost kinda/sorta makes sense… assuming you don’t have more than a high school education, and come from an environment (like Evangelicalism) where critical thinking is frowned upon. Frosty said:

“What do you do in a greenhouse? … Well, you grow things in a greenhouse. What do you think is going to happen in a greenhouse globally?”

I can answer that with just a few questions of my own:

a). “Do you keep a stocked fish pond in your greenhouse? No? Why not? What do you think might happen to the fish in that pond if you kept it in a greenhouse?”

b). “Do you have any patio furniture in your greenhouse? No? Why not? Might it be too uncomfortable for you to live in your greenhouse?”

c). “What do you do if it gets too hot in your greenhouse? If the entire planet is a greenhouse, you can’t just open a window or turn on an air conditioner.”

But poor Frosty, smug and laughing because he thinks he found obvious flaws in the Global Warming science that 1,000 peer reviewed scientific studies failed to catch. Like most Conservatives, “Frosty” can’t see beyond “Step Two”. His argument, “If plants thrive in a greenhouse, then turning the entire planet into a greenhouse could only be that much better.”

2. A new “WMD Conspiracy Theory” explains why no one will admit the Weapons of Mass Destruction were found in Iraq. The theory goes as follows: The bungled invasion of Iraq allowed all of Saddam’s stockpiles of chemical, biological and even nuclear weapons to be smuggled out of Iraq into neighboring Syria. Republicans are too embarrassed to admit that they allowed what they feared most… Saddam’s weapons to get into the hands of terrorists… to occur due to the invasion of Iraq. And Democrats aren’t speaking because the revelation that the weapons really existed like Bush assured us would make them look bad. So everyone is engaging in a giant, mutually-beneficial, cover up. All of these allegations are being made by one “Dave Gaubatz”, a civilian agent who worked for The U.S. Air Force’s Office of Special Investigations that claims to have seen the weapons before they disappeared in 2003 (along with all his reports).

It is intriguing to consider the possibility of a massive, two-Party cover up that seems to have something for everyone: the neocons that just refuse to believe they were lied to and/or that Saddam had no WMD’s can now believe they were right all along; and Democrats can feel content in the knowledge that this incompetent Administration ended up causing the very disaster they sought to avoid. Once again, my questions are:

a) If the weapons disappeared in 2003, why are we only hearing this allegation now in 2007?

b) Just because the weapons themselves might have been spirited away, the labs where those weapons would of been made alone could serve as a major propaganda coup for the Bush Administration. (“He was preparing to make WMD’s right here! See! We told ya so!“)

c) No Iraqi’s or Syrians, neither with any loyalty or regard for either U.S. Party, have come forward to embarrass the United States with this information.

d) If the weapons were transported to Syria, why is the Bush Administration making a case for military action against Iran? Wouldn’t Syria be the more logical target? Not only would Syria be the greater security threat, but also the greatest potential source of embarrassment. (if you are thinking that threatening Syria might only encourage them to expose the truth and therefore protects them, remember that Syria has no closer ally than Iran right now, and are not about to let their good friends be bombed into the Stone Age just to protect their Trump Card.)

The “More” here? That all the little lies, rationalizations and excuses weren’t doing the job explaining away the Bush Administrations’ failed invasion of Iraq. Apparently, someone deided it was time to “GO BIG” and devise The Mother of All Conspiracy Theories.

3. Answer to Virgina Tech shooting: “More guns!” I’m sure you’re hearing this one a lot lately: “If only those students had been allowed to carry a gun to class…” A bunch of macho Conservative blow-hards NOT in Iraq playing Shoot-em-up in the streets of Baghdad are telling us that the answer to gun violence in our schools is… naturally… “more guns!

A Conservative “friend of a friend” bulk emailed everyone in his political circle the following graphics while agreeing heartilly with the sentiment that the answer to gunviolence is “more guns”:

concealed carry law

Feeling safe

Because… as comedian Bill Maher once astutely pointed out, “When you find your child in one of these unimaginable situations, one thing you always want is, of course, crossfire.”

I wrote back stating the obvious: “You know what would of kept these kids safe? Not allowing a guy with a two-year history of mental illness to buy a gun in the first place. Or how about limiting the amount of damage he can do by making the 19-round magazines he used illegal again? (once banned under Clinton, allowed to lapse under Bush).” VA police are reporting that the VT killer fired over 100 rounds.

He actually responded by saying: “Armed, law-abiding citizens who know how to use a firearm can dispatch a perp with one shot and little chance of collateral damage.

Because, as we all know, cops and soldiers never fire a shot and miss. That’s why they carry so few bullets. Well-trained marksmen never miss! And I forget… was the VT Killer wearing body armor?

4. Iraq occupation failing? Send more troops! Probably the most prominent example of Conservative “More is better; Damn the consequences!” stupidity that we’re all familiar with: President Bush’s decision to send 21,500 more troops into Iraq to try and do with 166,000 what 144,000 could not.

They tell us that “failure is not an option” and try to impress upon us just how important victory in Iraq is. But apparently, not so important that it would justify bringing back the Draft or rolling back those tax cuts for the top 2% to help offset the astounding cost of their war.

“No victory after 4 years? Just be patient.” Has anyone ever put spoiled milk back in the refrigerator thinking, Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow? Just give it more time!

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